Check out my Guest Post

I know I haven't written a post in a few days. This is because a short, little Iranian kept bugging me to write a guest blog post on her blog. Some of you may know her as Alex, some might know her as Alexandra Vojdany, I just know her as Voj. I finally caved and decided to do it. Check out my post on Voj's blog at alexvoj.blogspot.com. Enjoy!

Dictionary of the City Mouse

Remember the story about the city mouse and the country mouse? Well I barely remember it. Although, I do know that I am definitely a city mouse. The other day I was talking to a good friend who reminded me of the dictionary that the mice of the city used. This online database where people submit sayings and words with new definitions has provided hours of entertainment to the average city mouse. These can be normal words, original words, or words from the street (or under the subway tracks.) I am of course, talking about UrbanDictionary.com. And now, an analogy of explanation: As normative economics is to the real dictionary, positive economics is to the Urban Dictionary. For those of you who had problems with the previous sentence, normative economics is the study of how the economy should theoretically work, while positive economics is the study of how the economy actually works.

In a normal dictionary, "book" is defined as, "a written work or composition, printed on pages bound together, that has been published;" however, according to UrbanDictionary.com, "book" is defined as:



as well as,



I did a quick search of mono in UrbanDictionary.com. Here are my results:











Check out the grammatically correct sentence of: Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

That's a lot of buffalo. If you are still confused, please visit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo

I will now attempt to do the same thing with the word mono:

The mono, mono mono with mono was monoed.

Boom! (That sentence defined: The mono (as opposed to stereo), angry monkey with mononucleosis was challenged to beat the entire game using one pokemon.)


Here it is, your moment of zazen.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You are the apple of my eye. An apple the day keeps the doctor away. Whoever came up with these sayings must have lived on an orchard, or an apple juice factory, where lives were clearly deeply affected by apples. I hate apples. Eat oranges.

Sleeplessnessity

I did not wake up this morning feeling like P Diddy--which is usually not the case. I was awoken to the tune of the train horn that apparently has shaken the city of Madison (or at least my area) at 6:15 every morning since the day I got here (and possibly before, although I can't speak to that.) I have been pretty tired for the past week or so. Yes, mono does create drowsiness, however, I have had much work to finish and many exams to study for. So I've been feeling pretty stressed, which subsequently causes tiredness. As I lay awoken this morning, I turned on the tv and boom: I was hit with terrible music videos on AMtv (AM+MTV=AMtv.) It was painful to watch. I guess that's why I did not feel like my man P Diddy this morning. Although, I believe he changed his name to Diddy. I guess I shouldn't have expected someone with the name of "Ke$ha" to get names right. Who the fuck puts a dollar sign in their name? You look like you're in middle school.

Your moment of zazen.

Jon Stewart of the Daily Show once said, "I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days." Team USA is taking a little longer than two days but is still kicking ass.

Major shoutout to Carly. Sorry you're stuck at home with mono. That royally sucks. Feel better. Another shoutout to Alyssa. I'm gonna come visit you at work tonight. A final shoutout to Mikey. Who's the puffy man in the puffy coat now? Bitch.

Wish me luck on my econ exam in t minus one hour and forty minutes.

Dogonucleosis

If you have ever been a Badger football game at the famous Camp Randall, you should know that "Fuck You!" and "Eat Shit!" are two saying shouted at different sections within the student section. I was thinking about Badger football games earlier today, which led my train of thought to badgers (and badgerbadgerbadger.com. If you have not seen it, I highly recommend it), and then I started thinking about animals. Then I wondered if animals can get mono. Then I thought about my dog, Cody. He's the shit. I remembered when I was home about a week and a half ago (where and when I first got the idea for the blog), I let Cody lick a piece of brisket out of my fingers after I had licked a piece of brisket out of my fingers. I then realized my mistake and wondered if dogs could get mononucleosis. Or, as I like to say, dogonucleosis.

I did a Google search on my MacBook Pro (Google and Apple will run the world some day) of dogonucleosis and here's what I found out.



No, I did not mean "dog nucleosis," I meant "dogonucleosis." Bastards. After a couple other Google searches using other combinations of words, I found out that someone had asked the very same question on Yahoo! Answers four years earlier. What a douche. He stole my question.

Anyway, here's his question:



Not exactly the same as my question, but same idea. It yielded the answer of:



So apparently, your dog can't get mono. Damn evolution. I guess they are just more "advanced" than us. In the words of a Mr. Kanye West, "Now that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger."

Check out this hilarious comment on the Yahoo! Answers post after the answer was given. This chick is incredibly not funny:



Don't you love it when people think they are the shit? Lady, the guy's brother is probably pretty young if the dog was licking his mouth and he didn't wake up. Go rot in hell "funny" lady. LOL*

*Note: If we've ever talked online, you'll know I never use the acronym "lol." This was done in a mocking state.


Your moment of zazen.

I wrote this while laying in bed this morning watching crap tv. I guess that was my inspiration. Enjoy!

Lack of imagination yields imitation
In the population of our generation.
Now let me hear the justification and explanation of
Your infatuation with your associations,
While societal granulation makes you more bland
Than your need of materialization.
Look at this civilization that is our nation which
Has become a degradation because there is no creation.
We used to have identification, but now there is only orientation
Which sadly makes us
One.

Contagiousity

Contagiousity defined is the act or state of being contagious. Those with, but not limited to, contagious personalities, smiles, and/or the Mexican Pig Flu, all suffer from some form of contagiousity.

During my online research, I found that mono is contagious from anywhere to a week to eighteen months after symptoms have passed. That is quite the gap. After talking to a real doctor and not listening to what Yahoo Answers or WebMD, I found out it was more like 30 days or so after symptoms first start. Although one may no longer be contagious, that person can feel drowsy for quite some time. Draw mustaches/glasses on them using a sharpie while they sleep. The child shown in the picture below probably sharpied himself, If he didn't, he has terrible parents.



For those that still freak the shit out when I walk into a room thinking they will get mono, relax my children, there is no fear. You shall and will be fine. I first started feeling symptoms a long while ago (technically more than 30 days ago.) In order for mono to pass to you (if I am still contagious, which I am almost positive I'm not), we would have to make out, share cups, of lick something I licked. Regarding the latter, anything is game. Warning: Don't lick anything. As a side note, do not exile me from your lives and places of residence, like one of my idiot friends has done already. You will not get mono if we are in the same room. Trust me. I've done the research. You may call me Doctor.

And now, your moment of zazen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg9jFRqZ4e4

*Note: This is barely an actual portrayal of reality.

Shoutout to Braun. You rock. Another shoutout to asian looking Rachel. Can I have a fortune cookie?

Donating Blood

You know when those little sterile looking Winnebagos come to your school or workplace and you all line up to sit in a funky looking chair with a needle in your arm for ten minutes and then you get free cookies? Most people know this is the act of donating blood. As you Yehudim would say, it is a huge Mitzvah (that means good deed in Jewish talk.) The last time I donated blood was junior year. I got free cookies. It was awesome. I guess a side note is a found out my blood type is A+. Did not know that...

And now, a random blood sucking truck.



Unlike last post, this post is monolated (mono related). Being in college and what not, blood drives are everywhere. They are more abundant than the sands of the beach, the stars of the sky, and the Nation of Abraham. I was walking through the (in)famous Chadbourne Residential College earlier today on my way home from dropping off a paper at Van Hise, when I was abruptly stopped by sickly looking Residential Assistants (better known in the CRC community as House Fellows.) They asked me if I wanted to donate blood. I said, "Uhhh sure" or something to that effect. After talking to the malnourished House Fellows, I soon found out that I am not allowed to sit in the weird chairs while a leech of a needle is attached to my left arm and emptied into a bag and then get free cookies because I recently had mono. May I be the first person to say wtf? I think I am going to sue based on viral discrimination. Bastards.

And now, your moment of zazen...

Chips Ahoy!
Or as defined by a dictionary:
Chips means French Fries, ahoy is a word used to hail a ship, a boat, a person, or to get attention
Chips Ahoy, the brand of cookies we all know and love, should actually be French fries getting your attention. I was very confused when I saw a bag at the store earlier. It was incredibly misleading.

New Layout & Your Moment of Zazen

For those of you that have been to the The Daily Monoblogue before and have eyes, you will notice there is a new layout. Let me know what you think. And if this is your first time visiting The Daily Monoblogue, welcome. And let me know what you think of the layout as well.

I debated for a while on layouts instead of writing an important paper that's due tomorrow. Then I got annoyed and stressed so I just picked this one. And decided to write this post.

Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show, ends each of his shows with a segment called, "Your Moment of Zen" where he shows a video clip of something always comical and somewhat pertinent to that day's show or current events. I have decided to steal his idea end each post with "Your Moment of Zazen." As a side note, "zazen" is a form of sitting meditation practiced in Zen Buddhism. Sounds relaxing.

And now, your moment of zazen.

"Armed with information, experts can exert a gigantic, if unspoken leverage: fear" (Levitt & Dubner 64). Knowing that we should be afraid, running through the streets screaming at a high pitch with your arms flailing in the air may seem imperative, however, consider not looking like a pussy and listen to me-- for there is still hope. Former Vice President, former Presidential Candidate, and global warming media hog, Al Gore once said, "A zebra does not change its spots." Although he says he is a messenger and is just relaying facts regarding global warming, I do believe it is safe to say that he is somewhat of an expert. My friends, we are saved, for the fear has vanished. Al Gore, it's a real inconvenient truth that you suck at verbalizing the correct wording of certain sayings. Shame on you.

Autocomplete in Google

Have you ever done a google search where you typed something into the google search bar and google tries to "predict" what you are searching for based on what you have already written? Yeah, well if you live in modern society and you are not a hermit, this should have happened to you at some point in the near past. Autocomplete in google can yield some very interesting results. For a good laugh, go to http://autocompleteme.com/. Very humorous.

You might be wondering, "Why is he mentioning this? What does this have to do with mono?" Well, be patient my friends. You will soon find out.

I did a google search for "monon" (anticipating to type in "mononucleosis") when something caught my eye...



As you can see, seven suggestions down it says "Monona Terrace." Monona Terrace is a convention center along Lake Monona in Madison located .8 miles (a 16 minute walk) from my place of residence (Source Google Maps).



My point:
Is it a coincidence that mononucleosis and Monona Terrace are located 7 suggestions away from each other in Google's autocomplete? I think not. Mono was out to get me from the very start. Since Monona Terrace is located in Madison (within a 20 minute walk of place of residence), a simple Google search of "monon" would have predicted that I have mono (this is of course due to the fact that I currently live in Madison and "Monona" and "Mononucleosis" are relatively close in the google suggestion listing.) You might ask, "Joel, what are you talking about? That doesn't make any sense." You, my friend, are wrong. Consider what would have happened if I searched for "monon" a few months ago: I would have said, "Oh shit. Mononucleosis and Monona Terrace are seven suggestions away from each other. I'm probably going to get mono soon. I better be careful." This is not an example of hindsight bias, rather, a simple exercise in logic. Google's autocomplete can predict the future. There. I said it.

Two quick shoutouts (in no particular order of importance):
Shoutout to Donna. Shabbat Shalom to you too. Also, shoutout to Voj. One word for you, "Woof."

Someone somewhere once said, "Speak softly and carry a big stick." What if you are a little person with a loud voice?

Peace.

Emily.

Firstly, I would like to wish Emily a very happy birthday! I guess 19 is a significant age in Champagne-Urbana, but everywhere else, it sucks. In any event, I hope you are having an awesome birthday.

In honor of Emily's birthday, I would like to dedicate this post to her in its entirety. You see, Emily and I go way back. Not really, but it feels like we do. We both transferred into CJHS sophomore year, and within the first couple months of school, Emily contracted a severe case of mono. She was out of school for a couple months, she was in and out of the hospital, and finally ended up getting her huge tonsils removed. This tonsil extraction yielded some awesome facebook pictures.



With comments such as, "SEXY!!!!" and "are those tonsils or seashells, cause if they're sea shells then they are really pretty, but if they're tonsils thats fucking gross," Emily's tonsils were the talk of the town. Unfortunately, mono is a virus which cannot be cured (as previously stated), and can come with other side effects. Emily's mono came with a side of tonsillitis. Sounds like a dish ordered at a restaurant. Fortunately, my case of mono came with a side of..... Well, I'm really not sure. But something. I guess USE. Would you like fries with that?

Still no word on how I contacted mono- my best guess is still beer pong. Beer pong--for those of you who do not know (i.e. the elderly folk)--is a drinking game where 10 cups of equal size (usually red cups) are set up in bowling pin formation opposite ends of a table. These cups are filled with 1/4 of the way with beer (usually 2-3 beers per 10 cups). Teams of two throw ping pong balls in the cups on the other side of the table. If a ball lands your opposing team's cup, they have to drink that cup of beer. Whoever clears the opposing team's cups first, wins. That is pretty much the gist of it.

Many a round is played. Many a cup is shared. Many a mono is passed. That pretty much sumeth it up.

I recognize that many friends have asked for shoutouts. Your time will come my friends...

J-Mono. Out.

Big News!

I was told by a doctor at UHS that 30 days is the pretty standard length of time from when you first start feeling symptoms, to being not contagious (they pretty much said proceed with caution) to playing sports and what not. It is still being double checked with two more doctors..

In other news, I have a huge psych test tonight which is going to rape me, and my spleen feels fairly large. I am aware that there is no connection between my psychology exam and my large spleen (LS), but I feel like I probably should add something about mono in that sentence.

Spleenformation (Spleen information. Not, the formation of a spleen):

When a person has mono, the spleen becomes enlarged for whatever reason (ask the spleen gods). The unfortunate thing about uncontrollable spleen enlargement (USE) is that it you have to stop playing contact sports. Now, I for one am not such an athlete myself; however, I was (note the past tense) enrolled in a beginners racquetball course and recently had to drop it due to my USE. If I were to continue playing racquetball with a LS, than the LS could rupture (if hit by a racquetball, racquet, or being yelled at by my former manly female racquetball instructor) and cause serious pain and hospitalization.

Now if the congregation can please rise and join me in a prayer to the psychology gods...

Quick Shoutouts

This is just going to be a quick post because I have tons of shit to do tonight and in the next few days. I just wanted to give a shoutout to my friend Alicia. Although she has never had mono, she has had chickenpox. Also a big shoutout to Emily at U of I. There will be a bigger post dedicated to her soon. But until then, happy almost birthday.

The Beginnings of My Mono

So I'm not sure who I got mono from, when I got it, where I got it- I have no idea. Beer pong is the best theory out there thus far (props to Hannah for that theory.) I started feeling sick about two and a half weeks ago or so (runny nose, headaches, just overall not feeling well), and I now know that the symptoms of mono set in 30-50 days on average after first being in contact with the virus. It got worse. I went to UHS (which apparently is covered under our tuition- hell yeah. can anyone say free(ish) healthcare?) and I was pretty sure I had strep throat. The nurse basically said it could be that or mono. I was practically begging for it to be strep because, in my mind, that was the lesser of two evils. Strep can be healed with nice doses of amoxicillin, whereas mono is viral, so the person (me) has to wait until his/her (my) body fights it off- which can take anywhere from 3 weeks to 8 weeks.
Until then, I am not allowed to play sports and consume alcohol, and I just have to take it easy and eat healthy to help my body get rid of this social plague on its own. I actually was enrolled in a beginners racquetball course this semester which I had to drop. The nurse at UHS said that "I could drink alcohol in moderation if (and only if) I was feeling alright." I guess that's a reasonable statement to say to a college student. At least she was being realistic... I applaud her.
I've been home for more than 48 hours and feeling a lot better than before I got here. Homemade food, seeing the dog, sleeping in my bed...yeah that all seemed to do the trick. Hopefully the fevers, headaches, runny nose, hot/cold flashes, cough, sore throat, and sickness will stay at home, and not follow me back to Madison tomorrow.
Until then, goodnight.

First Post!

Hey all. This will be an interesting blog. I somehow contracted mononucleosis (dubbed "the kissing disease") at some point in the past 40-60 days (according to a pamphlet provided by University Health Services.) This blog (reminiscent of a monologue, which can also be seen as "mono-log" (a journal of my case of mononucleosis)... creative, eh?) was an idea created while on a trip home from the University of Wisconsin (Madison) where my mom thought it would be funny to blog about my mono. She thought a good name for the blog would be "monotheism" or something to that effect. I said, fuck that, monoblogue is better.

Although this is known as "The Daily Monoblogue," I will not be blogging daily. Unfortunately, I am a college student and I do not have sufficient time to blog about mono (I will be sleeping for some of my free time), but I'll try and post every so often.

Welcome and enjoy!