Post-asticular

This message is long overdue.

To quell my readers anticipation, here are the shout-outs:

Alexandra Vojdany
Alyssa Rubnitz
Benny Ginsburg

Ok, now that that is settled, lets go on to more important things;

I got nothing.

You're moment of Zazen.

The Real World Series

Baseball season semi recently started. Fantastic. Although I am not such a fan of the sport, I do respect it. It does have its own unique physical skills that any sport (yes, including golf) should have. Although, baseball is predominately an American sport, which brings up a very important question: Why should the championship of MLB be called "The World Series" when the sport is only played in America?


The answer: It shouldn't. Some people might take great offense to this, because I have insulted their sport. But the reality is that I don't give a shit.

The basis for this claim that the national championship shouldn't be called the World Series, is that it is not a world--even multinational--competition. In fact, it's barely even a bi-national competition as the Blue Jays (of Toronto) are the only non-American team in the MLB organization. Although there is a baseball league in Japan and a few other countries, they cannot participate in the World Series because they are not part of MLB.

I'm not here to rip on baseball--a sport as American as apple pie--but rather, I'm here to talk about a REAL world series. Yes, that's right. The FIFA World Cup.


For those of us who are ignorant Americans and may happen to read this blog, the FIFA World Cup is the world soccer (or, depending where you are from, football/futbol) tournament which takes place every four years. In 206, 198 countries attempted to qualify. This year, 204 countries attempted to qualify. 32 teams will participate in this year's World Cup: Australia, Japan, Democratic People's Republic of Korea (aka North Korea), Korea Republic (aka South Korea), Algeria, Cameroon, Côte d'Ivoire (Ivory Coast), Ghana, Nigeria, South Africa, Honduras, Mexico, United States, Argentina, Brazil, Chile, Paraguay, Uruguay, New Zealand, Denmark, England, France, Germany, Greece, Italy, Netherlands, Portugal, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, and Switzerland.


This is the first time since the start of the tournament (this is the 19th FIFA World Cup) where the World Cup will be held on the continent of Africa. Specifically in South Africa. Although this is a great accomplishment to see South Africa hosting the World Cup, it does come with a sense of ethical questionability. That is, although South Africa has veered away from apartheid, South Africans still live in a very unfair and divided world. The question is, how can South Africa spend millions upon millions of dollars on building new stadiums when there are people living below the poverty line.

In any event, this marks the first day of the 2010 FIFA World Cup. That is, an event that brings the world together under one sport. I would like to emphasize this idea--that seems so lost to Americans--of the World. That which isn't the United States.

64 games. 32 countries. 30 days. 10 stadiums. 1 world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhM-cpSwrmM

Your moment of zazen.

Dead Comedian

Dane Cook.

Your moment of zazen.

" 'Oh yeah! Oh yeah!' 'Oh no.' Your slogan should be, 'what have I done with this beautiful home.' "

What Would I Do?

A question was recently asked to me via a commercial. I haven't seen this commercial for a few years and, subsequently, forgot the question. However, this question has recently reappeared. It has made me think about how far I would go. This is a question I have asked myself for a long time, and I still don't have a final answer.

The question: What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

The answer: I really don't know. I guess it depends on a lot of circumstances. How badly do I want a Klondike Bar at that moment? What would someone make me do for a Klondike Bar? Are there a lot of people that do crazy shit for a Klondike Bar (ex. driving a tiny car during a Nascar race)?

That being said, no one has offered me a challenge where the Klondike Bar was the famed final prize. I guess I would just go to the store and buy a six-pack of Klondike Bars (they do come in packs of six...right?)

But what would you do for a Klondike Bar? What about a Neopolitan Klondike Bar? Whoa... I guess I would do slightly less for a Klondike Neopolitan Bar. They don't look too good...

So I haven't blogged in a while and I sincerely apologize. I have been slightly busy in the passed few weeks. Here's what happened:

- Final exams.
- Home for a few days.
- Went to Fire Island (east of Long Island) with Greg, Michael and Aaron. Voj and Alyssa met us there. Really, really fun.
- Back in Madison taking a class (Poli Sci 297- African and African American Linkages.)
- Oh, and there is also roughly 12,000 barrels of oil gushing out an underwater "geyser" in the Gulf of Mexico. That shit needs to be cleaned up soon...

Had a great time (minus the oil spill...)


Your moment of zazen.

Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit.
Discordian #1: Who gives a shit?

Euros vs. Gyros (and a Mention of Cookies)

My fellow blogowers, Greece is in trouble. As you know--because you really should know--Greece has gone bankrupt. Yes, that is sad for ΓREEΣE, but the world must do something. Germany, among other European nations, has already forked over billions of Euros to form a Greek Bailout package.

One of the problems with the Greek economy, is that they should not be trading the Euro. In fact, to end this economic mess which has even hit the United States (the dow shot down a little less than one thousand points in one day, and then shot back up five hundred points.


(Google Finance)

This, my friends, is chaos. I propose we expel Greece from using the Euro, and their new form of currency shall be the Gyro. The Gyro, which, I might add, can be produced in any Greek restaurant, can be Ode/owed by the Grecians and Urned/earned (Refer to, "Ode on a Grecian Urn" by John Keats, a poem a just used in an english final exam.) Now this works exceptionally because Euro and Gyro are pronounced very similarly.



Therefore, Euro = Gyro. BAM! Economic crisis in Greece: RESOLVED! World economy: POSITIVE! Everything: GOOD!

In any event, big shoutout to my mom who just sent me a shit ton of homemade cookies to help me cope with finals week, thanks mom. Hit me up if you want a cookie.

Your moment of zazen.

"I thought that everything connected with flying was kind of a lie. You know. When you went into an airport or an airplane they always played this very happy music, which is sort of saying, 'You aren't going to die. There's not going to be an accident. Don't worry.' And I thought that was really the wrong way around, I thought that it would be much better to have music that said, 'Well, if you die, it doesn't really matter.'" -Brian Eno on Music for Airports

designerscouch.org/show_news/728/a-square-coke-is-a-greener-coke.html

Religious Recruiting

I was walking back to my building minding my business (as is the case with most times I walk back to my building), when I was offered a big bag of free candy by a group of college students who surrounded me. This free candy was in the form of white chocolate and sprinkle covered pretzels. All of the sudden, I had a dilemma: Should I be kind to this friendly looking group of strangers who were offering me free candy although I have been taught that I should never take candy from strangers because all strangers that were trying to give me free candy would kidnap me and I would never be heard from again, or should I be rude and say, "no thanks" and walk away.

I took the former. These people looked legit. So I took their free candy. Sorry mom... All of the sudden, a girl named Samantha introduced herself to me. We shook hands. Then Luke introduced himself. We also shook hands. Then Samantha said, "So basically we are a Christian group and we have coffee on Sunday nights and just chill. You should definitely come. It'll be a lot of fun." I told her that I was busy then because I am working this Sunday. Then Kelsey introduced herself to me and asked if I needed someone to pray for me for anything. I said, "No thanks. Nothing I can think of right now." She said, "I'll pray for you to do well on your final exams." I said, "Great! Thanks!" Then Luke started telling me about a nerd party they were having on Friday night, which I responded to by saying that I was busy (but I did not say that I was going to be attending my weekly Jew fest at Hillel...)

As I walked away, I took a quick look at the flyer that was stapled to said package of the pretzels that the pontificating (and preaching) people of Christ gave me, and it said "Turning Point" in cool artistic letters. I then started laughing out loud. This could have been a scene from a movie. It was just so funny. I guess it's kind of the same concept as the Chabad people trying to put phylacteries on every Jewish male they see, but you don't get free candy. Unfortunately.


Good luck with finals my bloggowers (and friends). (And people who might not be friends but who might read this blog.) (Fuck it, good luck with finals to everyone.)

Your moment of zazen.

Fleeing Undergarments

As I was keeping quite to myself and studying (or procrastinating) in the Periodical Room in Memorial Library and minding my own business, I hear a roar from outside. Realizing that it is Thursday night at 10:15, I remembered that Axe is sponsoring an Undie Run.

"This spring, Axe is throwing down the gauntlet to student bodies across the nation. Axe is further supporting the cause by bringing donation trucks and weigh-in stations to the Undie Runs across the nation. For every pound donated, Axe is making a donation, with all the proceeds going to help the Community Action Coalition http://www.cacscw.org/

Run Route: Library Mall to Peace Park (down State Street), back to Library Mall and then to SEGREDO for the Official After Party!!! (18+ at Segredo!)" (THE UW MADISON AXE UNDIE RUN Facebook Event).

*Note: Peace Park is better known as Crack Park.

As Alyssa, Ali and I went to check out this "disturbance" outside, we realized it was cold, and there were a lot of drunk people in their undies, and it looked like a lot of fun. Must save something for next year. Shoutout to Kippi and Schraber Shrab (like Flava Flaaaav--Alyssa's idea) who are participating (I was told by Alyssa, if she's wrong, yell at her, not me).





Your moment of zazen.

Bunny Chaser

The Fifth Day of the Fifth Month of the Two-Thousand and Fifth (plus Five) Year

My bloggowers (blog followers, you should know that by now), it is May 5, or as them Spanish people call it (Shoutout to Alexis), Cinco de Mayo. Although a normal day within normal American society, this day is monumental in Mexican history (another shoutout to Alexis). On this day, almost 150 years ago, the Mexican Army defeated French forces at the Battle of Puebla (or the French Army just surrendered, the jury is still out on the results).

This momentous holiday is celebrated somewhat like the Fourth of July (however, us Americans don't have our own Corona). From my experiences in Milwaukee ("as the nation's most segregated metropolitan area" according to an article in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel on January 18, 2003), Cinco de Mayo is celebrated with a huge parade in the Latino part of Milwaukee (yet, another shoutout to Alexis).

Being a part of the non-hispanic American youth, there is no reason for me to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. I do not have any Mexican ties, heritage, or loyalty. However, it does give me (and my Jewish friends) an excuse to go to Frida's celebrate Alexis' homeland (final shoutout to Alexis).

In honor of this seemingly Corona endorsed חג (holiday), I would like you to enjoy two commercial's which you probably have already seen. Enjoy!





Feliz Cinco de Mayo.

Su momento de zazen.

I'll Never Forget

Being part of the Jewish culture, the title of this blog post may seem to refer to never forgetting the Holocaust, which, yes, I will never forget the Holocaust. But I am referring to this past weekend.

This past Saturday--the first Saturday in May--the Mifflin Street Block Party was held. Now, this isn't a traditional block party where people grill out and there's a moon bounce and all the children come outside to watch Finding Nemo on an inflatable screen. This is unlike any block party I have ever been.

Preparation for Mifflin is as follows:
- Buy lots of alcohol
- Make a Mifflin shirt (When I asked Ian why people make Mifflin shirts he responded by saying, "Because it's a good excuse to make funny shirts. You wouldn't make a shirt where on the front it said 'It's Tuesday' and on the back it would say, 'Fuck my life.' or 'It's Wednesday' and on the back, 'shit.'" I did not make a Mifflin shirt this year. Maybe next year...)
- Wake up EARLY! I had my alarm set for 7:15. I know people who were up at 6:35 pregaming. I waited till 8:25. Next year I vow to start earlier.
- Befriend someone who lives on Mifflin. If you have some sort of connection, you can usually get into a house and get some drank.

I had the best day. Here is how the day went down:

- Woke up at 7:15 and met some friends at Einstein's for a quick breakfast, Aaron was already pretty tipsy by then. Many a freshman participate in what is known as the "shotgun shower" (shotgun a beer in the shower) I, being the classy one, do not partake in such activities.
- A bunch of us started drinking in my room. Mimosa's and then shots (some people were drinking beer--I thought it was too early for that). Lots of Bacardi, Smirnoff and Patron.
- Went to the unofficial official ZBT pregame to chill with my boys. Mickey poured my coke and rum into the beer pong. Drank a lot of that. Saw a lot of my smaller female friends (Persian or otherwise) do keg stands. It was beautiful.
- I was told we came back to my room for more shots and then we went to Laura's to pregame even more.
- We went to Mifflin afterwards, found Rock's house, I apparently got a beer spilled on me from a porch and I gave the guy who spilled it on me the finger. Here is a picture from Rock's porch of Mifflin.


- Went to Ian's, Abbie dropped my macaroni and cheese pizza on the ground. I'm still pissed. Then met up with friends at Noodles and Co. Went back to towers. Crashed. This was at 2:45-3:00.

I can't wait to be a part of the sea of drunk, funny-shirted, party going college students for next year's Mifflin. It was a blast. One of my favorite weekends here. Although I don't remember all of it, I will never forget how much fun I had.

A side note, tonight was senior night. I sincerely wish all the seniors the best of the luck in their future endeavors and hope they don't become a stranger to their younger friends who will still reside in the great city of Madison. (In honor of Mickey, Joe and DC, please rush Beta Nu Kappa in Fall 2010. They are recruiting hardcore.)

Your moment of zazen.


How American's understand cellular mitosis.

Innovation in Daily Life-ation

Man and society evolve and progress together. Technology helps this loving relationship. Obvious? Yes. Stupid? No. Why would I point this out? Wait and find out.

Speech is another medium that which has also evolved and progressed. Example:

1) Slang

That's the only example I am going to give. Slang evolves with the generation. When my parents were little, Styx was "hip". What the fuck is that? Now, Styx sucks. I'm not a fan. Sorry mom (I think you occasionally read my blog..) Slang is also highly cultural--slang in America is very different than slang in Israel. זה נכון אח שלי. (Literally meaning, that's correct my brother.) Nowadays, slang seems to have taken a ghetto/retro* spin. (*Note: Retro meaning late 80s/early 90s.) Stay fresh.

My main point: I would like to point out a rhetorical device used frequently by myself and millions of Americans every day (not necessarily slang) known as (drum role please) sarcasm. Sarcasm in speech is mainly observed and understood by the use of tone. Some people have trouble using tone to indicate the use of sarcasm which in turn seems like they are being serious. Example: "Ugh. I got like an hour of sleep last night." Those people are bitches.

The picture below shows the sarcigins (sarcasm origins).


Thank you Wikipedia. You just saved the day again.

Now the statement above (i.e. "Thank you Wikipedia. You just saved the day again.") was sarcasm. But how would anyone know that? Well, it is my pleasure to introduce the SarcMark.


The SarcMark (short for Sarcasm Mark) is a new American punctuation mark (there is such a thing in certain Ethiopian languages) from Sarcasm Inc. used at the end sentences to denote a sarcastic tone within said sentence. For $1.99, you can physically show sarcasm in your writing (but only on PC's and Blackberries--the Apple software hasn't been perfected yet). I can't believe I got an Apple and not a PC (insert SarcMark here)

Shoutout to my wasp-wannabe brother, David. He's getting the plane, I'm getting the yacht.

Your moment of zazen.

Wallpaper

Within the past year or so, a good friend of mine introduced to a website that changed my life. Some may call it a waste of time, others (including myself) would call it an awakening that has introduced me to what the virtual (and physical) world has to offer. Yes, I am speaking about StumbleUpon(.com).

To put it simply, StumbleUpon shows the "stumbler" all the internet's cool shit--and there is much cool shit which is on said internet.



The New York Times likes it too:



Anyway, on Friday I was stumbling, and found a website with all these different wallpapers. Not the decorative paper you put on your walls to make a room less bland, but rather that which occupies one's desktop on their computer (the background). Friday, I was coming off being sick (I was told to blog about that, but I'd rather not) along with the rest of my family who are 82.9 miles away, and I found a website with wallpapers. I sat in my bed, completely expressionless, for five hours straight, finding wallpapers and copying them into a folder on my desktop. They are mostly sweet photos (cities at night, nature scenes, artsy black and white shit, etc), or adobe influenced/made abstract art. I spent another three hours looking last night whilst video chatting with a friend. I found a bunch of backgrounds. This is my favorite:




Your moment of zazen.

Joel: Sounds good. I could go for some kitch.
Aaron: Super delish.
Joel: Maybe I'll get some jim.
Aaron: That's a socially acceptable alternative to kitch.

"I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me." --Mitch Hedberg

Nothing Exciting

My weekend:

Thursday.

Thursday night my dad decided to pay a visit to his alma mater to see his eldest child. After meeting him at the terrace after class, I proceeded to buy him popcorn. We then hung out at the terrace for a bit, walked around Memorial Union, checked out the newly renovated Historical Society, went to the bookstore, walked up State Street, walked to the house, and finally drove to the Edgewater for dinner--all of which were my father's ideas. I am convinced he has adult ADD. Although a little pricey, we finally made it to the Edgewater and had a delicious dinner. At one point during the meal, the waiter (who was dressed in a tuxedo) was refilling my dad's water glass and spilled a little on my dad's arm. The waiter sincerely apologized and then ran back to get our food. He tripped on a chair and almost ate shit. Schadenfreude (for those who haven't seen Avenue Q, Schadenfreude is the act of taking happiness in other's misfortune.) Pretty funny.

Friday.
Went out to lunch with Momma Voj, Normal Voj, Benny and Alyssa. Had a lot of fun. I am usually great with parents; however, I was not off to a good start with Momma Voj. But she likes me and doesn't think I'm an asshole...which is good. Later a bunch of us went to Hillel for dinner as usual. Went back to the house. A bunch of people were going to Brickhouse BBQ so I tagged along. Noah stumbled in holding a box of pizza saying how he got kicked out of a rodeo. You know...whatever. Ask Benny, Solarz, Kippi, Curren or myself for more details.

Saturday.
Greek Week started. Eric, Teddy, Goldfinger and Seaston all participated in the Walk A Mile In Her Shoes race. Apparently Sam was a baller and just took off down the street. Thanks for participating guys. Later on was formal. My very motherly friend, Sydnie, came in from Lake Forest College as my date. We ended up having a lot of fun. Jenny (Freems' ex?) ate all my food off my plate at formal.

Sunday.
Went to the library with Alyssa and found Voj. Sat in the computer lab for 30 minutes or so photoshopping her into a picture from formal.

Before


After


All in all, pretty fun weekend. After last weekend (which was insane!) it was nice to have a semi chill weekend.



Also, this Thursday (April 22) ZBT at UWisconsin is having its annual philanthropy event. "Sausage Fest" is at State Street Brats from 5:00-8:00 pm and proceeds will go to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Tickets are $10 in advance and $15 at the door, and you can redeem your ticket for either 1 sausage or 2 hot dogs, unlimited soda and fries, and dessert. T-Shirts are $10. It's gonna be a lot of fun and I hope to see all you there! Check out our Facebook Event, "ZBT's Sausage Fest" for more info on ticket sellers in your area.

Quick shoutouts:
Jeremy- happy birthday bud.
Benny- BENNNAYYYYYY!
Larzy- You are the man.

Your moment of zazen.

Arrested Development

Firstly, I would like to apologize seeing that i haven't posted in a while. This post will talk about arrested development.

It should be noted that this notion of "arrested development" is somewhat paradoxical, as there can be no progress when being held back. This happens to be a central theme of one of my favorite TV shows appropriately and properly named, Arrested Development.



In somewhat related news, I took an micro economics exam this morning mainly dealing with MRS (marginal and markets in perfect competition.) I think the exam went pretty well; however, there was one question that caught my eye and stuck with me throughout the duration of the exam. The question: A man named Gob has a magic show. He has X (I forgot the amount) dollars to spend. He can hire an assistant for $8 or buy a new deck of cards for $2. His MU (marginal utility--i.e. his enjoyment/need) for hiring a new assistant is 4 "utils" and his MU for buying a new deck of cards is 2 "utils." How many assistants should he hire and/or decks of cards should he buy?

I would like preface the rest of the post by saying Gob, or GOB, is the main character's (Michael) older brother in the TV show, Arrested Development. Being a huge fan of said program, I noticed a few problems with this microeconomics exam question:

1) GOB (which is an acronym standing for George Oscar Bluth, a nickname and not an actual name itself as the question implies) has used many family members/significant others as assistants: his little brothers Michael and Buster, his nephew George Michael, as well as his Mexican girlfriend, Marta (with whom Michael is in love). So he wouldn't hire an assistant.

2) GOB is a magician but does not have a magic show considering he was blackballed from the Magician's Alliance--an organization which GOB started in order to prevent magicians from telling how they do illusions, not tricks. "A trick is something a whore does for money...or cocaine." GOB was blackballed from the Alliance after he tried to hide his father, George, in "The Aztec II" when the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) was chasing a rented boat that George was having his retirement party on (Yes, the SEC has boats), and the news showed how GOB hid his father. Once blackballed from the Alliance, GOB is not able to perform, so he doesn't have a magic show (besides for the show he put on for the Alliance members so he could get back into his organization. It didn't work out.)

3) This is not necessarily a problem, but GOB would have a very high MU for doves, lighter fluid, and pennies. If you don't understand the reference, please watch the show immediately. I have all three seasons on DVD and am willing to loan them out.

Arrested Development is one of the best shows every written. Every time I watch an episode, I always discover some new hidden joke or reference. In the words of Shrek, "[Arrested Development]...is like an onion--it has layers."

By the way, the answer is that he should spend all of his money on cards because "Gob" gets the same amount of utility for half the price.


Your moment of zazen.

Springy Breakelstein

Yes, the title of this blog post was my status. Yes, it is a pull at Harley Bartelstein. Springy breakelstein has indeed come to a close and I returned back to Madison. Since returning I have had the mildly awkward conversation of "How was your spring(y) break(elstein)?" many a time. Spring break this year was alright. Here's what happened:

Thursday: Ended class. Stayed in Madison one last night to chill with friends before returning to normalcy.

Friday: Woke up to a call from Glock. Packed up my room. Got some Ian's Pizza (delicious chametz) with Aaron and Nathan. Home. Haircut. Shabbat dinner.

Saturday: Chilled. Donna came over. Awesome. Went to Potowatami Bingo Casino and played bingo with Aaron and Becca. Fun shit. Becca got so pissed she was about to pop a bitch in the face. Good thing I was there to stop her...

Sunday: Lunch with Alyssa. Panera. I got a soup and salad. Wish they opened a Panera close by campus.

Monday: Stayed in bed. Had the first seder at the house. Had a lot of wine in hopes it would speed up the seder. Almost passed out at the table after dinner. I thought of Voj.

Tuesday: Seder two. Just the family. Didn't have any wine due to extreme alcohol intake on the previous night. Seder went too slow. I learned I am bad at striking a balance.

Wednesday: Slept all day. Attempted to do some Psych reading. Didn't turn out too well.

Thursday: Ran a bunch of errands. Flew to Pittsburgh to see the grandma and the great grandfather.

Friday: Pittsburgh. Had a revelation. I'm buying a yacht. Either the Phocea http://www.fraseryachts.com/Sale/sale_gallery.aspx?YachtID=Y3548_MC, or the Aerie http://www.fraseryachts.com/Sale/sale_gallery.aspx?YachtID=Y6781_SD. It was also my great grandmother's 103rd birthday. When asked how she felt to be 103 she responded, "I'm ancient! It's sickening...!"

Saturday: More Pittsburgh. Sat around the table all day eating and chilling with family.

Sunday: Home. Packing. Back to Madison.


Your moment of zazen.

"You must remember, salt and pepper stick together."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTCm8tdHkfI

Leaving Egypt

My friends and fellow blogowers (blog followers), tis that time of the year when we remove ourselves from delicious leavened foods, sit around a table, drink bad wine (I am of course talking about the slightly sweetened and slightly alcoholic, Manischewitz Wine--Keeping it classy), and leave Egypt. Although this trend of leaving Egypt happens every year, I can't really say I have actually gone to Egypt. Hopefully I will make it there some day so I can leave the land of the sphinxes and the Great Pyramids in Giza to wander in the desert for forty years, walk through the Red Sea (then known as the Sea of Reeds), receive the Torah, and finally wander into the Land of Israel. Can't wait... In any event, it is Passover.

We gather here today, and sit around a table for four hours eating the longest dinner of the year. Eat bread now, or forever hold your peace (peace = hunger (ask Pestine for further information on hunger), forever = eight days.) Now, if you think I am being somewhat hostile towards the whole Passover experience, you my friend, are sadly mistaken. Passover is one of my favorite holidays. Yes, we do take a break from bourbon, briyani, and ban mian for eight days (shoutout to ZRichards for the "B" alliteration idea that was divinely(?) inspired by his blog), but that makes all these delicious (and ethnic) foods so much better after the completion of the holiday. This year, unlike many previous years, we are having the Seders at our house. As we leave Egypt, we have brought many bottles of wine (not Manischewitz) to accompany us on this voyage, which, in turn, should hopefully make the trip a little shorter--and if not shorter, at least more fun.

Unlike many other universities (and apparently unlike many friends) I am very happy the great University of Wisconsin gives us spring break over Passover. Well, at least 6/8 days. Many of my friends are making the long trek to go home for the seders, which I don't have to considering I'm already home.


Happy Passover.

SO to them Jews (and Alyssa).

Moment of Zazen (From Previous Post)

Louis Gohmert is a Republican Representative in the House from Texas. He has been in the news recently for talking against health care reform. Funny thing about Louis Gohmert: I met him. A little more than a year ago, I was a part of a joint student delegation between several Jewy Chicago Agencies (all affiliated with the JUF) which included many college level and graduate students, as well as six high school students from Write On for Israel--the Israel advocacy program I did throughout the last two years of high school. My group lobbied several House Representatives from the Illinois area including Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. and Rep. Danny Davis, as well as Senator Durbin. As we were wandering around the House of Representatives, we wanted to watch in on the session and all of the sudden, Louis Gohmert--a very nice, southern, somewhat elder man from Texas--comes out of the woodwork and gets us into the viewing area of the House.

I was watching Rachel Maddow and Rep. Gohmert was screaming on the House floor holding the Health Care Bill and saying how people should ingest it the bill itself. How were you elected? Why did I have to meet you?

The F Bomb

...Or the F- Word. For those of you who are too stupid to figure it out by now (not that the readers of this blog are stupid per se...there may be some random people trolling the dark, dangerous waters of The Daily Monoblogue who might be stupid), I am talking about the word, "fuck." Although completely appropriate in casual conversation between college students, friends, and that regular who sits next to you at the bar; when dropped, the F Bomb, much like the A Bomb, causes a major controversy. This post on the F Bomb is not completely random...

Today, President Obama signed the Health Care Bill using twenty pens. This day will go down in the American History books. There are two things I would like to point out:

1) Really Obama? Twenty pens? What the fuck?

2) Vice President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. (Robinette = girl's name?) dropped the F Bomb after introducing the President! WHOA!!! FUCK ME!!! OH NO HE DIDN'T!!! Well, oh yes he did. Check out the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRsUqUAqQXA

Yes, Biden said, "This is a big fucking deal." And let me say, yes, this is a big fucking deal. Biden hit the nail right on the head. It probably was not too smart of him to say that in front of rolling television cameras and a room full of reporters; however, he was not in the wrong. Health Care Reform has been legislation actively sought by democrats since the Clinton administration. Now that our country has finally achieved health care reform, Vice President Biden has the fucking right and a fucking good reason to say, "This is a big fucking deal." The word "fuck" adds a much needed emphasis, just ask Rahm Emanuel. I applaud you Mr. Vice President.


Your moment of zazen is yet to come after I'm done studying for my midterm in my Gender Issues in Rabbinic Judaism (shoutout to them Jews) class. Wish me luck. I'll need it.

Ping Pongopoly

I wrote this post a while ago and for some strange/odd/weird/confusing/unclear reason, I didn't post it. I have no idea what compelled me to say, "Ehh. I can post it later..." Just never got around to it. So here it is. Finally. Enjoy!
(Please note that at the time of posting, I did not just wake up from a two and a half hour nap. All these events happened roughly a week and a half ago.)

I just woke up from an accidental two and a half hour nap. Again, did not feel like P Diddy. Last semester, I had a ping pong date with a friend every week. She plays tennis, I somehow picked up ping pong somewhere. Just like mono. Still trying to figure both those out... Anyway, since we have yet to play pong (ping pong, not beer pong- just saying) this semester, I suggested we play a little later tonight. have been on her ass about this game for a week. It needs to just happen. I kept on telling her that Thursday would be perfect, but she has a midterm mañana. As a side note, all day I have been feeling exhasuted--I definitely did not get sufficient sleep last night. So I texted her earlier saying I was tired and I might go to bed early, thus postponing our pong game one more day. She said that we'll just find another time to play. At this point, I took the accidental nap, and here is the rest of the post nap textual conversation:

Me: Just text me if you want to play. Took a really long nap. Oops
Her: Haha nice... Slash not good if you actually need to get sleep tonight. But yes, I shall text you if I can play
Me: I will. I'm still tired.
Her: Suppose that's one of the perks of mono lol
Me: Fuck you! I don't have mono anymore!
Her: Oh please I'm just telling you want you already know but choose to selectively deny... Particularly on weekends haha
Me: Exactly.

I would just like to clear up some dirty/smoggy/foggy/unclear/cloudy air. I am pretty sure that I am done with mono. It has definitely been longer than 30 days from when I started feeling symptoms (mid/late January, and it's already March) and I feel fine. I would like to make one thing clear, tiredness is a side effect of mono, but--as we learned in psychology--correlation does not mean causation: just because someone is tired doesn't necessarily mean they have mono.


Your moment of zazen.

I have had many heated debates with my younger brother, David, about many things. The most recent has been Leno v. Conan, where he sides for the former and I side with the latter. Having been a stern Conan fan for many years and proudly owning a "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" T-Shirt, I argued that this was his next big step moving to The Tonight Show, a place where Leno's comedy died. Sorry Leno, your chin gets in the way of shit, and Coco has the hair you wish you had. Anyway, I recently stumbled on a very interesting Twitter account.

Conan O'Brien has found his inner Twitter. His daily (and sometimes bi or even tri-daily twittering/tweets/tweeting/tweeterings are absolutely hilarious. I urge you to check it out ASAP: www.twitter.com/conanobrien


As today as 3/14, happy Pi day! For those that are confused, Pi=3.14159265...

Also, tomorrow is 3/15, better known as the Ides of March. As Brutus and someone else (blanking on the name) warns Julius Caesar to "beware the ides of march" in Shakespeare's play "Julius Caesar." I have two midterms tomorrow...on March 15, which is the ides of march. Shit.

Sitting in the Library

I am currently sitting in the Historical Society's Library analyzing the seventh stanza of John Keats' "Ode to a Nightingale" when all of the sudden, a girl whom I know walks in and over to me. Now, the Historical Society's Library is the best kept secret in Madison when it comes to study stuff.

Anyway, Alicia Gold-fine walks in. WTF? Apparently my friends all forgot to invite me to their study date here. Bitches.

I was a Subject

I don't like being a subject. I guess it's better than an object... But actually, they were subjectifying (made up word) us as objects. So I guess we were objects. Bastards. So here is what happened:

My name was called--along with Jessica and Mohammed--by a tall guy with crutches wearing an Atari shirt. My first thought: shit, Mohammed and I are gonna butt heads. I am glad to report that no head butting took place. Mohammed was actually a pretty chill guy. We were lead into a room with three commercial, walk-in refrigerator things. Next thought: I'm kind of warm, I could use a good chill.

The guy who was subjecting us (Mr. Atari Crutch), told us that the experiment was to see if we could identify a sound that was repeated in front of different background noises. Then either that sound or another would be repeated without any background noises. If it was the sound behind the background noise, we were told to push the "Sure Yes" button on our little pad, and if it was a different sound other than the sound behind the background noise, we were told to push "Sure No." If we weren't sure, we could push "Yes" or "No," and after we all entered our answer, one of the lights would show us which answer it was.

After the directions were explained, I signed a waiver saying that if I was uncomfortable at all I could back out of the experiment at any time and also that the University of Wisconsin Psychology Research Department (UWPRD--that is not a correct acronym) was not responsible for any injury and/or death during the experiment, I was locked into my telephone booth sized soundproof container and put on the headphones. The booths felt like the holding cells straight out of 1984. They had one chair, our answer buttons, a little black box, and a pair of headphones. Big Brother. Someone call the NSA, these handicapped psychology researchers are watching me. I guess the NSA is too... Next thought: If there were to be a nuclear threat, can it be now? I don't know when the next time I will be completely concealed in a tiny thick, steel, sound proof, airtight booth that can protect me. Thought immediately following: Shit, a small, airtight booth has a limited oxygen supply. "Excuse me, Mr. Atari Crutch? Can I get a small plant?"

Experiment starts. We hear different configurations of static, quarter second clips of bombs going off/buildings being destroyed, and sheets of metal being bent. It was weird. Listening to that for an hour was rough. I got out of my booth and heard the guy talk. It. Was. AWESOME. I've never been that excited about hearing someone talk in the longest time. At least I got my 1.5 extra credit points. Whoopee.

Till the next psych test (which is tomorrow), lahitraot. For those of you are Hebrelliterate (Hebrew Illiterate), that means, see you later.

I am a Subject

Right now, as I am typing this, I am currently waiting in room 251, better known as the "Subject Waiting Room" in the Psychology building. I am taking Psych 202 (for all those non-UW people, that is Intro to Psychology) and the only way I can receive extra credit points is by having the people do studies on me. I'm prepared for anything, prodding, poking, questions, questionnaires, millionaires, sleep, whatever. I can do it all. They have me from 10-11 this lovely morning (and a lovely morning it is, no jacket today) and at 11, I'm gonna peace and hopefully write another blog post and let you know what happened. Another girl just walked in the room. Five girls and me. Not a bad ratio... Just out of curiosity, why aren't there more guys here? Does extra credit only impel women to take advantage of it? Now six girls. I hope this isn't a female study. Just sayin. Aright, just called cya all later.

A Change in the Wind & Debut of Guest Blogger Alexandra "Voj" Vojdany

Welcome welcome. It has indeed been a while. Glad to be back. Glad to have you all back. If you are an avid reader of The Daily Monoblogue, you would know that in the recent past I was a guest blogger on The Voj Files. If you aren't an avid reader of The Daily Monoblogue, you should know that in the recent past I was a guest blogger on The Voj Files.

Today's post is going to be a pivotal point in the history of The Daily Monoblogue. As I no longer have symptoms of mono, there seems to be little if any need for The Daily Monoblogue, and thus shall be dismantled. HOWEVER, as I enjoy writing (and I would hope people enjoy reading), I have decided to switch gears a little bit and focus my blogtention (blog attention) on other mildly pertinent issues. I made this decision after starting numerous (three) blog posts in the past several days which did not go anywhere. I came to a mental stumble block--and I finally decided to make this blog a medium in which I will post the things that come to mind and put commentary on the life around me. It is kind of like Seinfeld meets The Daily Show.

Kicking off this change in the wind, I would like to firmly introduce Voj. She has written a guest post entirely for this event, which is the second half in the reciprocity of our blog posts as I was a guest blogger on her blog about a week ago. You can check out her blog at alexvoj.blogspot.com. Being a year my elder, and possibly a year my wiser (although I will never attest to that), the floor will turned over to Voj and her wisdom. Enjoy!


Where did Kit Kat bites go and why? That has been a question puzzling me for quite some time. You may think it’s meaningless and wonder why Joel invited me to be his guest blogger when this is a question I consider important. You may find yourself wondering, “he couldn’t find someone more profound?” Well, I have two things to say to that my friends (and by my friends, I mean Joel’s friends). One- likes attract. So, why would you expect Joel to be friends with anyone profound? Two- this IS, in fact, an issue of importance.

Think about it. You and some friends, family members, boyfriend/girlfriend, strangers you paid, whoever, decide to go to a movie. You can’t wait to see the movie- to see how the plot plays out, to surreptitiously hold the hand of the person you have a crush on when something “scary” happens, to laugh because you’re going to see a comedy, or in Joel’s case, to drool over the hot actors on the screen (there’s a rumor going around that George Clooney is the reason he saw “Up.”)

You sit in the comfy padded seat, with the gum underneath it and the obnoxiously tall people in front of you. You suddenly realize, you need a snack. And not just any snack. The snack you get every time you go to the theatre. The snack that makes your mouth water. The snack that will redeem any boring or terrible movie.

Phew, you think, that was a close one. You walk quickly because you can’t wait until the moment you hands close around that red bag. All of a sudden, you come to a screeching halt. The candy is not there. The chocolatey goodness is gone. You pretend to the employee behind the counter that your tears are a result of the movie, not that your favorite thing about movies just disappeared, without so much as a goodbye.

What then? You look at the dough bites and know the cookie dough inside them will be stale. You glance at the m&ms and realize that the fact that you can get them anywhere makes them too ordinary to buy. You see Reeses bites out of the corner or your eye and start tearing again because what has the world come to? They kept Reeses Bites and not kit Kat Bites?

You see guys, this is not an issue of insignificance. Your whole entire movie world has been turned upside down, making the thought of going to another movie unstomachable. And that is why I urge you, if you don’t already know what your favorite candy is, to find it. And then to buy 100 bags of it.


Thanks Voj. I have yet to understand from where her inspiration for this post has come.

And now, your moment of zazen.

Being a Starbucks lover and an active Starbucks Gold Card holder, I would like to bring something to the readers' attentions. One of Starbucks' biggest competitors is surprisingly McDonalds, who have used their enormous corporate multi-national power to capitalized on the coffee market and reduce Starbucks' market share. In order to stay in the competitive game, Starbucks has decided to introduce a new sized cup--bigger than the Short (which is kids), the Tall (which ironically is a small), the Grandé (which is mediumé), and the Venti (which is large-i). Allow me to introduce, the Trenta, or as I like to say, TRENTA. The 31 ounce mammoth of a cup is a full 11 ounces grande-er than Starbucks' current largest size. It's like a swimming pool exclusively for cold drinks. The company which created coffee shop culture back in the 1980s has designed a limited market test in Phoenix and Tampa where the TRENTA will be front and center.

I would like to say thank you to McDs and modern American culture for making this possible. A person should never, and I mean never, need/want/have to consume 31 ounces of anything in one cup. You know why Europeans are thin? It's because they don't have 31 ounce drinks there. Can you guess why Americans are obese? There should NOT be demand for 31 ounce drinks here. Have you ever heard of a refill?

Working Out

I used to. I currently don't. I should probably start again. I'm getting pleasantly plump. At least it's pleasant...right? Maybe I'll start by just eating celery. Anyway, when mono is present within one's body (and soul, as the body houses the soul), one should not work out. You might ask, why? Well my friend, that is a good question. As I've said before (numerous times for that matter), the spleen becomes enlarged a person is diagnosed with mononucleosis. If something (i.e. a racquetball, a medicine ball, a matzoh ball, etc) were to come in contact with the spleen, it could rupture. That would be bad. Very bad. Doctors advise monopeople (people with mono, not one peoples) to refrain from working out because any accidental physical contact with the spleen can be disastrous and dangerous. Be careful.

Again, on a serious note, the Holocaust Awareness Rally is today at 12:15-1:00 on Library Mall. Be there! It's going to be a beautiful day and we need your support and solidarity. Rumors are that Chancellor Biddy Martin is going to be there.


And here it is, your moment of zazen.

The Christian holiday of Easter is fast approaching and in anticipation of the holiday where little children run around their yards and hunt for little candy filled eggs, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups company has put out a new commercial advertising their chocolaty peanut butter creation: a chocolate, peanut butter filled easter egg. The commercial can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLKmr-tS9yU.

For those of you who are too lazy to actually watch the video, the advertisement depicts a chocolate bunny and a jar of peanut butter producing a presumably (I think that's a safe assumption) peanut butter on the inside, chocolate on the outside, egg. Let me repeat myself in normal words. A chocolate bunny and a jar of peanut butter have illicit, implied, impossible sex yielding an egg. For starters, bunnies don't lay eggs. Neither do peanut butters. And if anything, the combination of the two would yield a chocolate, bunny shaped peanut butter jar. May I be the first to say wtf? I think the Reese's employees need to quit doing acid.

A is for alcohol, B is for beer, C is for cognac...

People asked how I learned my ABC's. Well... That's how.

Being that I'm running out of monolated (meaning mono related...remember?) ideas for the blog, I am asking my fellow blogowers (blog followers) and blogeaders (blog readers) if they have any ideas. This idea was submitted by Braun.

Alcohol. There have been references to this "organic compound in which a hydroxyl functional group (-OH) is bound to a carbon atom, usually connected to other carbon or hydrogen atoms" since the time of the bible. In Joel (the prophet, not the blogger) 1:5 it says, "Drunkards awake to see God's judgement." In Joel (again, the prophet) 3:3 it says, "The enemy is judged for selling girls for wine." And finally, in Luke 12:45 (not the time), it says, "Christ warned against drunkenness." Aha Either Jesus wanted to warn us about the belligerent inebriated folk, or he wanted to warn us that boozing while monoing is bad idea. I'm thinking the latter.

Pointing out the obvious, alcohol makes a person drunk. Wow. Profound statement. Let's get a half barrel and do the Safety Dance. All the men will wear hats. It will be great. In any event, I was told by my health teacher (better known as Coach) sophomore year that alcohol is bad. Well, not quite, but for the sake of the blog post, I think I can misquote Coach. He said, "You should never drink because after your first shot, you will die." Again, a misquote. But actually, the presence of alcohol in one's body increases liver function. When a person has mono, the liver becomes inflamed. Just as drinking and driving, oil and water, toothpaste and OJ, and Lady Gaga and the normal people of the world do not mix, alcohol and mono should not be mixed. You could literally be poisoning yourself. And I am incredibly sorry if you are a Lady Gaga fan--that is also an issue of poisoning yourself. You should go seek help. She sucks.

On an actual serious note, I would like to mention something of significance currently happening at University of Wisconsin. The Badger Herald is currently running an advertisement online that linked to a Holocaust denier's website. Tomorrow (Wednesday, March 3) at 12:15-1:00, Hillel is hosting a rally on Library Mall to remember the millions of victims who fell to the Nazis. If you don't have class, it is really important that you attend this event. Check out the Facebook group: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=371495515210.

Major shoutout to Elli and all of the mules. Another shoutout to WD. Happy 16th bday (she's actually 18.)


Your moment of zazen.

Did you know that a shot of an alcoholic beverage (80 proof/40 percent) has 100 calories? Did you know that you burn more calories eating celery than there is in celery? After you drink, eat celery. It's an actual workout, and will help you burn off those alcohol calories while enjoying a crunchy snack.

Check out my Guest Post

I know I haven't written a post in a few days. This is because a short, little Iranian kept bugging me to write a guest blog post on her blog. Some of you may know her as Alex, some might know her as Alexandra Vojdany, I just know her as Voj. I finally caved and decided to do it. Check out my post on Voj's blog at alexvoj.blogspot.com. Enjoy!

Dictionary of the City Mouse

Remember the story about the city mouse and the country mouse? Well I barely remember it. Although, I do know that I am definitely a city mouse. The other day I was talking to a good friend who reminded me of the dictionary that the mice of the city used. This online database where people submit sayings and words with new definitions has provided hours of entertainment to the average city mouse. These can be normal words, original words, or words from the street (or under the subway tracks.) I am of course, talking about UrbanDictionary.com. And now, an analogy of explanation: As normative economics is to the real dictionary, positive economics is to the Urban Dictionary. For those of you who had problems with the previous sentence, normative economics is the study of how the economy should theoretically work, while positive economics is the study of how the economy actually works.

In a normal dictionary, "book" is defined as, "a written work or composition, printed on pages bound together, that has been published;" however, according to UrbanDictionary.com, "book" is defined as:



as well as,



I did a quick search of mono in UrbanDictionary.com. Here are my results:











Check out the grammatically correct sentence of: Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

That's a lot of buffalo. If you are still confused, please visit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo

I will now attempt to do the same thing with the word mono:

The mono, mono mono with mono was monoed.

Boom! (That sentence defined: The mono (as opposed to stereo), angry monkey with mononucleosis was challenged to beat the entire game using one pokemon.)


Here it is, your moment of zazen.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You are the apple of my eye. An apple the day keeps the doctor away. Whoever came up with these sayings must have lived on an orchard, or an apple juice factory, where lives were clearly deeply affected by apples. I hate apples. Eat oranges.

Sleeplessnessity

I did not wake up this morning feeling like P Diddy--which is usually not the case. I was awoken to the tune of the train horn that apparently has shaken the city of Madison (or at least my area) at 6:15 every morning since the day I got here (and possibly before, although I can't speak to that.) I have been pretty tired for the past week or so. Yes, mono does create drowsiness, however, I have had much work to finish and many exams to study for. So I've been feeling pretty stressed, which subsequently causes tiredness. As I lay awoken this morning, I turned on the tv and boom: I was hit with terrible music videos on AMtv (AM+MTV=AMtv.) It was painful to watch. I guess that's why I did not feel like my man P Diddy this morning. Although, I believe he changed his name to Diddy. I guess I shouldn't have expected someone with the name of "Ke$ha" to get names right. Who the fuck puts a dollar sign in their name? You look like you're in middle school.

Your moment of zazen.

Jon Stewart of the Daily Show once said, "I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days." Team USA is taking a little longer than two days but is still kicking ass.

Major shoutout to Carly. Sorry you're stuck at home with mono. That royally sucks. Feel better. Another shoutout to Alyssa. I'm gonna come visit you at work tonight. A final shoutout to Mikey. Who's the puffy man in the puffy coat now? Bitch.

Wish me luck on my econ exam in t minus one hour and forty minutes.

Dogonucleosis

If you have ever been a Badger football game at the famous Camp Randall, you should know that "Fuck You!" and "Eat Shit!" are two saying shouted at different sections within the student section. I was thinking about Badger football games earlier today, which led my train of thought to badgers (and badgerbadgerbadger.com. If you have not seen it, I highly recommend it), and then I started thinking about animals. Then I wondered if animals can get mono. Then I thought about my dog, Cody. He's the shit. I remembered when I was home about a week and a half ago (where and when I first got the idea for the blog), I let Cody lick a piece of brisket out of my fingers after I had licked a piece of brisket out of my fingers. I then realized my mistake and wondered if dogs could get mononucleosis. Or, as I like to say, dogonucleosis.

I did a Google search on my MacBook Pro (Google and Apple will run the world some day) of dogonucleosis and here's what I found out.



No, I did not mean "dog nucleosis," I meant "dogonucleosis." Bastards. After a couple other Google searches using other combinations of words, I found out that someone had asked the very same question on Yahoo! Answers four years earlier. What a douche. He stole my question.

Anyway, here's his question:



Not exactly the same as my question, but same idea. It yielded the answer of:



So apparently, your dog can't get mono. Damn evolution. I guess they are just more "advanced" than us. In the words of a Mr. Kanye West, "Now that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger."

Check out this hilarious comment on the Yahoo! Answers post after the answer was given. This chick is incredibly not funny:



Don't you love it when people think they are the shit? Lady, the guy's brother is probably pretty young if the dog was licking his mouth and he didn't wake up. Go rot in hell "funny" lady. LOL*

*Note: If we've ever talked online, you'll know I never use the acronym "lol." This was done in a mocking state.


Your moment of zazen.

I wrote this while laying in bed this morning watching crap tv. I guess that was my inspiration. Enjoy!

Lack of imagination yields imitation
In the population of our generation.
Now let me hear the justification and explanation of
Your infatuation with your associations,
While societal granulation makes you more bland
Than your need of materialization.
Look at this civilization that is our nation which
Has become a degradation because there is no creation.
We used to have identification, but now there is only orientation
Which sadly makes us
One.

Contagiousity

Contagiousity defined is the act or state of being contagious. Those with, but not limited to, contagious personalities, smiles, and/or the Mexican Pig Flu, all suffer from some form of contagiousity.

During my online research, I found that mono is contagious from anywhere to a week to eighteen months after symptoms have passed. That is quite the gap. After talking to a real doctor and not listening to what Yahoo Answers or WebMD, I found out it was more like 30 days or so after symptoms first start. Although one may no longer be contagious, that person can feel drowsy for quite some time. Draw mustaches/glasses on them using a sharpie while they sleep. The child shown in the picture below probably sharpied himself, If he didn't, he has terrible parents.



For those that still freak the shit out when I walk into a room thinking they will get mono, relax my children, there is no fear. You shall and will be fine. I first started feeling symptoms a long while ago (technically more than 30 days ago.) In order for mono to pass to you (if I am still contagious, which I am almost positive I'm not), we would have to make out, share cups, of lick something I licked. Regarding the latter, anything is game. Warning: Don't lick anything. As a side note, do not exile me from your lives and places of residence, like one of my idiot friends has done already. You will not get mono if we are in the same room. Trust me. I've done the research. You may call me Doctor.

And now, your moment of zazen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg9jFRqZ4e4

*Note: This is barely an actual portrayal of reality.

Shoutout to Braun. You rock. Another shoutout to asian looking Rachel. Can I have a fortune cookie?

Donating Blood

You know when those little sterile looking Winnebagos come to your school or workplace and you all line up to sit in a funky looking chair with a needle in your arm for ten minutes and then you get free cookies? Most people know this is the act of donating blood. As you Yehudim would say, it is a huge Mitzvah (that means good deed in Jewish talk.) The last time I donated blood was junior year. I got free cookies. It was awesome. I guess a side note is a found out my blood type is A+. Did not know that...

And now, a random blood sucking truck.



Unlike last post, this post is monolated (mono related). Being in college and what not, blood drives are everywhere. They are more abundant than the sands of the beach, the stars of the sky, and the Nation of Abraham. I was walking through the (in)famous Chadbourne Residential College earlier today on my way home from dropping off a paper at Van Hise, when I was abruptly stopped by sickly looking Residential Assistants (better known in the CRC community as House Fellows.) They asked me if I wanted to donate blood. I said, "Uhhh sure" or something to that effect. After talking to the malnourished House Fellows, I soon found out that I am not allowed to sit in the weird chairs while a leech of a needle is attached to my left arm and emptied into a bag and then get free cookies because I recently had mono. May I be the first person to say wtf? I think I am going to sue based on viral discrimination. Bastards.

And now, your moment of zazen...

Chips Ahoy!
Or as defined by a dictionary:
Chips means French Fries, ahoy is a word used to hail a ship, a boat, a person, or to get attention
Chips Ahoy, the brand of cookies we all know and love, should actually be French fries getting your attention. I was very confused when I saw a bag at the store earlier. It was incredibly misleading.

New Layout & Your Moment of Zazen

For those of you that have been to the The Daily Monoblogue before and have eyes, you will notice there is a new layout. Let me know what you think. And if this is your first time visiting The Daily Monoblogue, welcome. And let me know what you think of the layout as well.

I debated for a while on layouts instead of writing an important paper that's due tomorrow. Then I got annoyed and stressed so I just picked this one. And decided to write this post.

Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show, ends each of his shows with a segment called, "Your Moment of Zen" where he shows a video clip of something always comical and somewhat pertinent to that day's show or current events. I have decided to steal his idea end each post with "Your Moment of Zazen." As a side note, "zazen" is a form of sitting meditation practiced in Zen Buddhism. Sounds relaxing.

And now, your moment of zazen.

"Armed with information, experts can exert a gigantic, if unspoken leverage: fear" (Levitt & Dubner 64). Knowing that we should be afraid, running through the streets screaming at a high pitch with your arms flailing in the air may seem imperative, however, consider not looking like a pussy and listen to me-- for there is still hope. Former Vice President, former Presidential Candidate, and global warming media hog, Al Gore once said, "A zebra does not change its spots." Although he says he is a messenger and is just relaying facts regarding global warming, I do believe it is safe to say that he is somewhat of an expert. My friends, we are saved, for the fear has vanished. Al Gore, it's a real inconvenient truth that you suck at verbalizing the correct wording of certain sayings. Shame on you.

Autocomplete in Google

Have you ever done a google search where you typed something into the google search bar and google tries to "predict" what you are searching for based on what you have already written? Yeah, well if you live in modern society and you are not a hermit, this should have happened to you at some point in the near past. Autocomplete in google can yield some very interesting results. For a good laugh, go to http://autocompleteme.com/. Very humorous.

You might be wondering, "Why is he mentioning this? What does this have to do with mono?" Well, be patient my friends. You will soon find out.

I did a google search for "monon" (anticipating to type in "mononucleosis") when something caught my eye...



As you can see, seven suggestions down it says "Monona Terrace." Monona Terrace is a convention center along Lake Monona in Madison located .8 miles (a 16 minute walk) from my place of residence (Source Google Maps).



My point:
Is it a coincidence that mononucleosis and Monona Terrace are located 7 suggestions away from each other in Google's autocomplete? I think not. Mono was out to get me from the very start. Since Monona Terrace is located in Madison (within a 20 minute walk of place of residence), a simple Google search of "monon" would have predicted that I have mono (this is of course due to the fact that I currently live in Madison and "Monona" and "Mononucleosis" are relatively close in the google suggestion listing.) You might ask, "Joel, what are you talking about? That doesn't make any sense." You, my friend, are wrong. Consider what would have happened if I searched for "monon" a few months ago: I would have said, "Oh shit. Mononucleosis and Monona Terrace are seven suggestions away from each other. I'm probably going to get mono soon. I better be careful." This is not an example of hindsight bias, rather, a simple exercise in logic. Google's autocomplete can predict the future. There. I said it.

Two quick shoutouts (in no particular order of importance):
Shoutout to Donna. Shabbat Shalom to you too. Also, shoutout to Voj. One word for you, "Woof."

Someone somewhere once said, "Speak softly and carry a big stick." What if you are a little person with a loud voice?

Peace.